Hi, it's me again. I keep wondering how you're doing. I've started to apply to university and it's scary... It's strange to think next year I'll be off to live alone. I was talking to my favourite English teacher the other day and I told her I don't have many plans because I never saw myself making it this far. She thought I meant academically, but I meant I never saw myself living this far. And yet here I am. Applying to uni and wondering how you are. I hope you're okay Blue. Write back soon x
Hey, I haven’t been on Tumblr for a while again. It’s a bit hard to do anythings atm, I’ve been to see a counselor recently, have my last session with him on Thursday. It’s helping, I think I’m eating better, and some voices have stopped for a while. But I think it’s more a defensive thing; my friend has been having troubles recently, and I worry about her, that kinda takes priority.
It throws people off whenever I talk about not expecting to be around that long. I was talking about learning to drive with a flat mate, and he just didn’t get that I didn’t want to drive because it would make it too easy to ‘have an accident’.
Uni, however scary it mights seem, is a great place to be. Making friends is the most important part though. Living alone isn’t great, but you’ll have housemates or flatmates to keep you company. I live in halls because they have staff here and I don’t want to end up in a house by myself needing help and having no-one to turn too. Sorry If I haven’t said anything in a while, it’s hard to keep up with everything. I just try not to fall away. Oh, be social, even if none of the people you meet ‘get it’ even if they don’t understand anything about you, just be social it will help alot of time go pass.
I’d like to say that them not understanding helps, but it doesn’t really, it just makes it easier to pass of as being fine all the time. At least it kills alot of time being social, alot of time when things are happening and time that I don’t have to be sad.
I find I don’t get sad about things much anymore, I just get sad. Like as though I ran out of reasons to be sad, and now it’s just something that turns up and sticks around for a while. Everyone is accustomed to me missing lectures already this year. Just as long as I manage not to fail at the work I’ll be fine.
This is all over the place, I want to be so helpful and supportive and then when I think of myself and how I’m doing I can only think of how I’m still drifting, unable to tether myself to something stable.
Well it was nice to hear from you, and I’m glad to hear of you being so successful, I hope I didn’t make this too negative, and I wish you luck in applying for uni :)
Trying to build up the courage to continue from before and it’s just like not there :/
Back in late January I had a breakdown. I realised from this that I had blocked out some emotions that everybody else had. I didn’t feel anger or jealousy. I didn’t get agitated or aggravated or stressed or excited. All I really did was be sad, coy or hyperactive. Which was nice, It was preferable, there was a voice in my head and that was okay… I could ignore that. It never really said anything good but it didn’t matter at all really, it would come and go, but I had all these distractions and they made it disappear and if I wanted to I’d just ignore it until it went away. Then there was this feeling, this sense, it never really said anything but it was there and I didn’t really like this one. It was harder to ignore, I couldn’t distract myself so easily from it. There wasn’t any build up, or at least I didn’t notice any build up, but I was awake one night watching TV and my program had finished and it was there, they were both there. There was more than that though there was lots of emotion too, I was agitated, stressed, I started pacing around I started trying to find things to take my mind of them. None of it was working I couldn’t keep at anything for more than 30 seconds. So I just kept pacing and it got worse and worse, I wanted it to stop, but it didn’t want to stop. I wanted to smash my head on the wall to make it stop, I thought about alot of other ways to make it stop too. My pacing wasn’t working, so I tried sitting down, staying still. It built up lost of destruction I was so tense, I realised that something wa going to get broken. I still had control though, enough to make sure that anything that was too important wasn’t near me. I wanted help too, I knew I wanted help and I knew I really didn’t want to ask for it. So I sat there with my phone, sat there on the messages and on the contacts. I don’t know how long it was till I managed to force myself to text someone, and to call someone. I kept texting them and I kept ripping the phone apart too, I tore at it from the edges where it was weaker and anything that I was strong enough to bend or break I bent and broke. I tore it and texted, until it was too broken to work anymore, and then I just tore at it, until I couldn’t make the pieces any smaller. Then I sat there in a trance and it went really really quiet. I realised then how loud it was just before, how deafeningly loud it was. I don’t know long long I sat there in that trance. When it broke I decided I couldn’t last any longer, so I left. I walked to my friend’s place. it was about 6 in the morning I think by then maybe 7, I’m not sure. She wasn’t up, but she let me in anyways and we sat and talked, talked until I felt better and I stayed there. It was 12 when I left, she had to go out somewhere. So I went back home, and I started working on how to contact my mum now that I didn’t have a phone. When I had contacted my mum I told her about it and she got my dad to come pick me up.
I wrote this because it’s the start for what i want to say about how I am now. I haven’t got that far yet I’m proberbly about halfway to starting that part. But this was really hard to write so I’m going to take a break now. Hopefully I can write some more later. That might take till tomorrow, I hope you can wait that long and I’m sorry that this too hard for me to write all at once.
The answer to your questions change all the time. Right now, I'm worse. The voices are louder and my head isn't happier. I don't know whether I feel nothing or just depressed. I guess tonight is just a really bad night. But I was good for a while. I was okay and I liked that it was sunny. I'm supposed to be in an inpatient mental health facility, but my parents thought it too shameful to send me. So instead I'm sitting here numb and confused, lost and delirious. I feel like I'm getting worse.
For one to simply say that they understand is never enough to mean anything. If you want someone to believe that your really understand you would have to show them. I’m going to write a post in a little while, about me and what I went through earlier this year. I can’t say that it will help. I don’t think there will be very many positive things in there, but it will be something. And I’m still here, I’m still coping and even though if I even slightly loose focus my pessimism takes over; I still try to be as optimistic as possible. So I don’t think it’ll help much, but I hope that it does.
I guess if you can't remember who I was, maybe you'll remember the photo of a girl in a tree: "She was a dreamer, someone completely out of touch with reality. When she jumped she probably thought she could fly." I like talking to you after all this time, even if you don't remember me and even if you never see these messages. xx
I wanted to send you messages, see how you were doing, if everything was ok, make you smile more. I just couldn’t ink of what I’d say, and I get really stuck on things like like that. I like to say things that are meaningful if I can and just stay quiet otherwise. I guess now would be he best time to ask so; How has life treated you since we last spoke? What have I missed out on? Has it got better now? I know for me it doesn’t really get better, it just keeps fluctuating and you hope for the high points because they make you forget about the low ones.
Hi Blue. I wonder how you're getting on. We used to talk quite a bit and I've missed you - you always had the right words and made me smile. The blog that I used to talk to you.. well I don't go on it any more, which is why I'm on anonymous. I wonder if you remember me. The last thing I remember you telling me was about a girl at your university, and you were friends but then something happened to make things awkward. I wonder if that's all okay now. xxxx
Of course I remember you :) Although I’m sure you changed your blog name even more times now, I even look out for you on my dashboard still. I’m not with her anymore, and haven’t been with anyone since. I’d like to be talking to her more still by I don’t see her around anywhere :/ I wasn’t on my blog for quite a while also, I had a bit of a stressful time, but I’m feeling ok now. I spend most of my time now playing League of Legends, and computer coding in c#
You know when your ability to do anything just crashes out because everything around you just feels so absent and blank. Emotion just drains from you and you just want to shut down instead, maybe it will fix itself later…
If you are going to fall in love with me,
It’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.
You are falling in love with my insecurities,
And my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me.
You are falling in love with my immaturity,
My constant need to feel loved and appreciated,
My overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession,
And my tendency to jump to conclusions.
You fall in love with my troubled past,
My unrealistic hopes and dreams,
And the fact that I seriously believe they could come true.
You fall in love with my wild temper,
My illogical thought process,
And how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, despite my feminist views.
If you fall in love with me,
You fall in love with my self-hate, all my imperfections,
And my perception that nobody could ever love me.
You fall in love with the history that has caused me to think this way.
But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you,
The way I’ll text you in the mornings just to tell you I hope you have a great day,
And at night, to wish you sweet dreams.
You’re falling in love with the occasionally thought-provoking things I say,
And the silly things I do in an attempt to see you smile.
You are falling in love with the way I blush when people ask me about you,
And how I’ll hold your hand, even if we’re fighting.
But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me,
Despite my thinking that it is impossible.
Just going to sit here and watch this for a while
It’s been many months since i was last on Tumblr, partly down to me forgetting what my password was (reset now), but also because i felt the time to drift away, become more independent use my will and mind to handle the discrepancies of my thoughts. I’m not sure weather it helped or not, and either way I’ve stumbled my way back to Tumblr with a state of life that is worse than when I last left weather it be from time or otherwise.
I’m a university student, in Derby, studying Maths and Computer Science. Most of my time is spent playing League of Legends, Skyrim or sleeping. I recall being very fond of my Tumblr and the people I know through it. It was not my intention to leave for so long or even at all.
In returning I feel that i would also need to change my blogs design, refit it to my feelings and lifestyle. Writing this I’ve realized I stopped more than just Tumblr, I’ve not drawn and have only recently been reading my books. I’ve not seen my most favorite people in a long time and despite the very often thoughts of missing them I have done little in going to find them :/
I like being in Derby, much prefer it to Basildon, although I wish it was not so far from those I want to see and be around. I have friends here good friends but still not ones that I can be - what I would call - my full self around.
I will leave this here In hopes that withholding more will encourage me to continue using Tumblr.
Blue! You have a great blog! Your posts are so in depth and they're so meaningful.. Wow! I've seen a completely different side to you. Awh.. c:
Lul i was just being really mean cos it was funny and your neira’s sister. I’m proberbly the nicest guy you’ll ever meet.
Continueing from before…
We still make each other dinner, she still lets me walk with her and sometimes hold her hand, not as much, but still :3 So I’m just going to wait here for her, wait for her to feel better :) and then when we both feel better, the world will start again. All the little things that no one notices, all the emotions that make life worthwhile, they all only work when you’ve people to share them with, so I’m a wait a little while, so that when she slows down and starts to realize those little things that matter, those ones I’ll wait here sharing :)
I can’t do much on my own, i just shutdown. So it’s good I’ve made some friends like heather and mike to help me while i wait :) keep me from being alone.
I can show you wonders and amazement, but only if you let me :) all it takes is a little trust, patience and faith. There’s magic in this world, you just have to know where to look.
Tell me when you ready.